Friday, July 31, 2009

Notes on the first draft of Lost Season 6

While poking around in the bins outside Carlton Cuse's mansion, I came across some ABC notes for one of the scripts, it looks like the first episode of the new series....

Thursday, July 02, 2009

The government can keep you safe from the heatwave zombie apocalypse

So you may have noticed that it is pretty hot today in London. And for those of you who may be overseas and haven’t heard how hot it is, let me tell you. It’s cocking hot. They tell me that it’s 33 degrees out there. And as I have no frame of reference for what 33 degrees even means, then I’m going to assume that it is hotter than Mexico here right now. Get that, hotter than mexico!

Anyway, this unexpected heat wave (seriously, who saw this weather coming in June?) has sent us all into a panic, so I decided to get some advice on how to survive the next couple of weeks until it rains, without letting London degenerate into a sort of desert zombie apocalypse. (Heatwaves turn people into zombies, right?)

The best place to get advice is obviously the Government. Without the government, how would we know how to do anything? So I logged onto the NHS Choice site.

First of all – the Met office have declared a level three heatwave alert. They have also called it Heatwave Red Alert, so I’m not sure how scared to be. The top of the page has a picture of Big Ben melting, so I guess it’s pretty serious. I decide to take off my coat.

High temperatures can be dangerous, especially for:
• the elderly,
• the very young, and
• people with chronic or long-term medical conditions, such as a heart condition or breathing problems.
This initially comes as a relief to me. I am definitely not elderly, and don’t think that I could be described as very young. And if you are going to be facing off hordes of zombies, you’d be hoping they’d be zombie grandmas, or zombie toddlers. The concerning part, however, is the bit about heart conditions or breathing problems. If these are the two groups to turn to zombiedom first, their disabilities won’t matter.

Note to self, remove the head of anyone with asthma.

Listen to alerts on the radio and TV about keeping cool.

Now I have watched daytime TV all day, and I haven’t seen any adverts about keeping cool. Perhaps they are confusing ‘keeping cool’ with ‘consolidating all your debts’ or ‘buying a stairlift’. Although I’m not sure how those will help.

Avoid unnecessary travel.

This one doesn’t seem to make sense, although I guess the government knows best. I would have though that if you are dying from the heat, then travelling somewhere with less heat would be a good idea., but I guess not. Sorry Grandma!.

I have decided to strap myself to the sofa, and barricade all the doors, so I physically cannot travel anywhere.

Stay inside and in the coolest room in your home as much as possible, and splash yourself with cool water.

It looks like my barricading myself indoors was a good idea, but perhaps I was too premature in the choosing of which room to barricade myself into. The living room is fairly warm, even with the window open, and the kitchen, although cool right now is going to heat up once I start cooking that delicious bacon. I think I shall lock myself in the damp closet under the stairs.

Keep rooms cool by using shade or reflective material external to the glass. If that's not possible have pale-coloured curtains, and close them. Metal blinds and dark curtains can make the room hotter.

Improvisation needed! Prefering the darker curtain to allow me to sleep at night for more than 2 hours, I have had to cover all the curtains in my house with tin foil to keep the zombie rays out.

Keep the windows closed while the room is cooler than it is outside. If it's safe, open the windows at night when the air is cooler than the room.

If it is safe? I suppose when the heatwave zombie epidemic is in full swing, the windows will be a valuable point of entry. I think I’ll just stay here in the cupboard under the stairs like a sweaty Harry Potter until this whole thing ends on Saturday.

My rejected 'Poems for the Underground'

My Journey Home

Hot so hot
As the sweaty pit of jubilee
Encowers my face
3 stops
That’s it
3 stops
And then the realisation
I paid for this.

The Lake District

It is the light
transforms the bracken
into shades
of heather, as
streaming clouds
rush through the dales
and weep weep
upon these lakes
until the
deadly robots crush
the skulls of us
and skynet
rules us all.


Rape rape rape
Rape rape rape
Rape rape rape
Rape rape


from Chasereviewseverything - my review of Moby Dick, the Musical.


I have no idea what I have just seen. It was either the worst piece of theatre I have ever seen in my life, or a work of art so mindboggling in its genius that it deserves its place in history alongside Andy Kaufmann, Hunter S Thompson or the inventor of the spork. As such I can’t really be all that objective with this review, so what I am going to do is walk you through the experience, so you can judge for yourself.

I met up with Pip and Matt in the pub beforehand. We really have no idea what to expect, but Matt tells us that there are a lot of ‘dick’ jokes and a man dressed as a woman, who then plays a man.

Walking up to the theatre we see a lot of ‘naughty schoolgirl’ types hanging around outside. I think they are trying to improve lines a schoolchild might say, but it sort of sounds like my dad trying to sound street. Which is odd, because most of them actually are teenagers.

Bought my ticket and waiting to go in. The cast are in the foyer and interacting with the audience. And by interacting, I mean annoying. Some of the cast are boys dressed up as schoolgirls, which I’m sure is hilarious.

I’m pretty sure one of the cast is Victor Obogu in a blonde wig. There are no words.

Okay its starting. I think we have a flavour of what this is going to be. We are in a school assembly, and one of the teachers, played by a man in drag, is reading out some really unfunny notices.

My mistake, that is actually a woman.

The whole cast is onstage now, and there are about 60 of them. My favourite are the three old dears at the back, who look a bit scared. I know how they feel.

Okay, here comes the man dressed as the woman. He is playing the head mistress. You know Rupert Everett in drag, its kind of like that, except awful, and with more than a touch of the rapist about him.

Okay, I’m not sure what is going on, but I am going to take a guess and say that the school is going to put on a musical to raise some money. Victor Obogu agrees. I think he is standing next to someone from KISS.

Okay. Plot update. Someone in glasses has written Moby Dick the musical, which the girls at this school are going to rehearse and perform. The man dressed as a woman headteacher is going to play Ahab, which cleverly means it will be a man playing a woman playing a man. Oh God someone is running across the stage with some blue fabric, I think they are going to sing.

Yep. “It’s Moby Dick, Moby Dick the Musical..”. The old lady looks confused. Ahab has just been wheeled on in a shopping trolley, and he is wearing one cricket pad. Victor Obogu and the dude from Kiss have snuck under the blue sheet, but we can see their shadows being cast on the back wall. The words MOBY DICK are projected onto the back wall. For some reason, none of the cast have any trousers on.

Ishmael is in Nantucket now. I can tell because someone has projected ‘NANTUCKET’ on the back wall. Other than that I am a bit lost. Someone calls Ishmael ‘Fishmael’ and everyone gasps. I have no idea why.

Okay, they seem to be in some sort of bar or tavern, maybe Ishmael is looking for somewhere to sleep? There is a man spanking another man at the back, and a woman dressed up as a german SS officer watching everything. The bar seems to be owned by a large bald gay man with no trousers on. Someone calls her Fishmael again. All gasp.

Heres Ahab again. I think he’s returned from somewhere, because I think that other girl is meant to be his wife. She is wearing a wedding dress and screaming. Oh, now shes run off.

Ahab seems to be sad that his wife has run off (although he seems to think she’s died?) I can’t concentrate on the song though, because I can see right into the wings, and Ahabs wife is getting out of her costume, and I just saw some boob.

Back to Ishmael now, and the weird bar. The mane of the bar is projected on the back wall. She says shes going to go upstairs, and some ominous music sounds. Again, I have no idea why. WHY IS NO ONE WEARING ANY TROUSERS?

Ishmael is now upstairs and…..holy shit….what the f*ck is that projection? It looks like some sort of sentient toy doll looking sad, sitting in the corner of a large empty room. That is literally the freakiest thing I have ever seen.

Ishmael is talking to an African tribeswoman in her bedroom. I’m not sure what they are talking about, but they seem to be friends. The African Tribeswoman (who is a white girl in her 20’s) has a necklace made of bones and talks in a really bad Jamaican accent. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure this is racist in some way.

I have no idea what the last 10 minutes was about, but everyone is smiling a whole lot. Except Victor Obogu of course.

They are now in church I think, and about to sing some gospel. Hang on, nope, its not gospel. I think it was meant to be gospel, but again it’s pretty much just racist. Victor Obogu doesn’t seem to mind though. Three women in identical wedding dresses stand on stage right. And now they’ve walked off again.

I have just noticed one of the chaps has a squirrel sticking out the side of his head.

An Irish drinking song. Of course. Now the whole cast are singing and marching in time to the music. Somehting about America I think. Holy Shit, they are only flying in a 25 foot American Flag!

Interval. I am thinking about leaving and missing the second act, but I have a nagging suspicion that somehow this will all come together and make sense in the second act. I think I shall see it through, if only for the sake of Victor Obogu and his pal from KISS.

So the second act... On the way in, one of the cast members asks me if I have donated any money yet. I tell her I have, although I haven’t actually seen anyone collecting any money. We take our seats and it begins. I think they are on a ship. At no point have I heard mention of a whale. Everyone is still without trousers for some reason. They decide to party (the projection on the wall says it), which seems to involve 35 people doing a box step over and over again. Except the three old dears, who are waving their arms in the air. Someone throws 6 beach balls into the audience.

9.20 Aha! I think I just heard something about a whale. Ahab has come out and sung something about revenge and madness. In the dark. A woman in a blue dress waves at him from the top of the stairs, before running off. The projection on the back wall is of a sad face. It also has the word ‘madness’ written above it. The cast are just repeating the words ‘moby dick’ over and over again, so I assume they are trying to catch it. One girl in the cast shouts out “Cock!” at the top of her voice.

I was right, they are singing a song about how awesome whaling is. Projected onto the back wall are pictures of bloody whale carcasses. It is horrifically disturbing. Victor Obogu seems to really like whaling. Hang on, is that a picture of a whale CUT IN HALF? It is. The cast are singing in front of a 15 foot picture of half a whale.

Just when I thought I was following things….. so Ahab seems to be in Las Vegas now (it is projected on the back wall), singing a disco tune. One girl in a sailors outfit is dancing around him, and 4 people in red dresses are walking around the stage. One of the ladies just tripped over her dress, and her boob fell out. Victor Obogu and Mr Kiss pick up Ahab on their shoulders. The spotlight is in Victor and Mr Kiss face, so they squint. Ahab is singing, but he is out of the light now.

So, now this girl with no trousers is singing about something and holding up a gun. I’m not sure what it is she’s singing about, but the projection says ‘mutiny’. I can’t really tell what is going on, because the whole thing is in darkness. One guy at the back is in the light, but he just says “sacre Bleu!” and then leaves.

She’s still singing, but now the whole cast are on stage. I have just spotted an old man. I’m sure he’s not been there before. He seems to be beating someone up in the background.

Still singing. Everyone has left her alone. Sometimes she’s welsh.

She’s finished, so it looks like shes going to Ahabs cabin. The projection shows a picture of a kettle in a barge. Oh, hang on, shes singing again.

I seriously have no idea what is going on. A gay chap with an English accent has been singing about finding a little boy. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that the actor is a possible homosexual. Victor Obogu, the guy from Kiss and a Chinese man are dancing around. I think squirrel head guy might be a beat or so behind, but then again it could just be a mild seizure.

More racist dancing from the woman playing the savage. The three old dears have been given inflatable palm trees to hold. Oh shit! A woman has just fallen off the back of the stage!

Now they are singing about the woman falling off the back of the stage. I can her getting changed into rollerskates in the wings. Now someone has pushed her across the stage on the rollerskates. People clap.

They are all looking out at the audience and pointing. I think they are trying to say that they have finally seen Moby Dick, and that they are scared about it. Some cast members run into the auditorium with water pistols and squirt them at the audience. This seems to annoy people. Other cast members have mops, with which they hit audience members. Once they have done this, they all go back onto the stage. Lets see how they handle the appearance of a 50 foot whale on stage!!! I can’t wait!

Everyone on stage now has an umbrella. Still no trousers in sight.

Okay, so everyone with an umbrella has now chased Ahab off the stage. Except there isn’t enough room in the wings, so it takes about 2 minutes of embarrassed shuffling to get them all off.

Ishmael now comes onto stage, chased by cast members dragging a blue bedsheet (which has a crown embroidered on it.)

Okay, I think I know what happened. The Whale sunk the ship, and Ishmael washed up on a desert island, and a gay chap in the floppy hat rescues her. He kisses her, and she fights him off, but he isn’t taking no for an answer. As the gay chap rapes Ishmael, the company come to the front and bow.

Ahab has now changed back into drag, and is carrying a metal box. She is very pleased about it. She says the school has been saved, and its something to do with this metal box. The cast look very happy, except Victor Obogu, who is talking to the Chinese man at the back.

They all break into song and dance. Some of the cast come into the audience, and one girl gets an audience member to dance with her. I can see him considering if suicide would be a useful escape. It won’t.

It ends, and the audience shuffle out of the theatre unsure of exactly what just went on. It was kind of like being raped in the eyes by a jam doughnut. Kind of, but not exactly

Friday, March 13, 2009

Jobs in the Evil Sector

Number two position within Global Organisation

Location – West London, plus Subterranean travel

Salary - £60,000 plus generous commission structure.

Our client, a NATO recognised global super villain, is looking for an experienced number two for help with an ongoing project for world domination.

Based out of modern offices in the West End, this organisation has come close to achieving total domination of the worlds superpowers on several occasions, and is now looking for an inspiring and dedicated team leader to make that final push over the edge!

With extensive experience of carrying out needlessly complex plots involving either environmental, nuclear or death ray based evil plots, you will be a self starter, with a good attention to detail and a sense of humour. You will be comfortable dealing with high level strategy and ideally have a contact book full of willing henchmen. Must be CIPD qualified.

This is an excellent opportunity for a henchman team leader to gain that next step up the ladder to super villainy, or for an ambitious HR or IT director to make a sideways move into a more strategic role in the evil sector.

To apply, please send your cv, plus a covering letter detailing the last two plots you or your current organisation have been working on. If successful we shall send you an application pack, as well as our diversity questionnaire. cvs to be sent to

Receptionist - start up position

Location – Island Volcano

Salary £14,000 plus free coffee.

This is a great opportunity to get in on the ground floor of an ambitious start up evil empire, and really make a difference to the direction of the organisation.

Working out of a hollowed out volcano inexplicably filled with exploding barrels, you will act as the front line to the organisation, meeting and greeting our visitors, booking rooms, and carrying out some light filing duties. As this is a fairly new company, you will also be responsible for managing the office, including a complete office redesign scheduled for later on this year.

This role would suit a graduate looking for a way into the evil sector, although experience of working in a similar sector (banking, telesales, Channel 4) would be an advantage.

To apply online, please click here: CLICK TO APPLY

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Nigerian Billionaire ‘frustrated’ by UK cynicism.

Clement Okom, a Nigerian businessman has complained of ‘a saddening culture of cynicism’ in the UK, as his attempts to move money out of the country failed on Friday.

Mr Okom, a wealthy businessman, and member of the Nigerian Civil Service, was looking for a British bank account in which to transfer over $21,000,000 for a period of two months. He was willing to pay the intermediary 10% of the final fee. The reasons for the transaction are as yet unclear, but Mr Okon assured us it was “something to do with the military”.

However, Mr Okom has been surprised by the low response from UK residents in taking him up on his offer. After sending over 200 emails to carefully selected individuals, he received only one response, which turned out to be from an intoxicated student with a hotmail account.


After the deadline for the transfer passed last Friday, Mr Okon has had to allow the sum to pass directly to the Nigerian military, with little to no record of what it will be spent on, leaving Mr Okon with only his large inheritance to pass on to a deserving UK charity.

90% of searches for ‘Voodoo Love Spells’ end up at this blog.

Google have released an official statement declaring that they have “no idea” why fans of Voodoo Love Potions, and Viagra salesmen are failing to find the internet sites they require.

“You’d think that it should be easy”, said Brian Tractor, head of the voodoo Love Potion consortium based in Essex. “I spend nearly 6 hours online a day looking for information on Voodoo Love Potions, and nine times out of ten, I end up at some losers blog. I always leave a comment, just to be polite, but in truth, its not necessarily the information I am looking for.”

This was a problem shared by Kevin Sachs-Minelli, a Viagra Salesman from Cheshire. “As a Viagra salesman, searching the internet for people looking to buy my product should be an easy way to identify target markets. However, due to the negligence of Google, and other search engine providers, I often end up at someones blogger account.”

In some statistics released into the ether by Google, it emerged that 84% of comments on blogs were from people either trying to sell Viagra, or people looking for information on Voodoo Love potions, and while nearly always polite and courteous, served no purpose, other than to use up bandwidth.

No one at Google was available for comment.

‘U’ taken off the endangered character list

Five years after the Government vowed to take the Letter ‘U’ off the endangered character list, the first crop of lower case ‘u’s are due to be released into the wild this April.

The delisting, which has been supported by environment minister Ben Bradshaw, represents an official recognition of the population boom of letter u’s in the United Kingdom since 1995, more than tripling in the last 15 years.

The letter U was added to the endangered character list in the early eighties, after more than three decades of decline. The fashion in the sixties of omitting the letter in favour of brevity was widely condemned at the time, most famously when Honor Blackman was attacked by pro-vowel protesters outside BBC Television Centre. Although a petition was sent to 10 Downing street, it wasn’t until 1982 that Margaret Thatcher bowed to public pressure, and added the letter ‘u’ to the list of officially endangered characters, along with Q, X and Pi.

This April, the first u’s to be born in captivity, will travel from Stonebridge Inner City Farm in Nottingham to Dorset, where they will be released into their natural habitat, and encouraged to breed with the indigenous population of wild u’s found in the area.

Plans to introduce the u’s to America have stalled.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Less Serious Movie Review - What you need to know

Zach and Miri Make a Porno

The film is pretty good, but you don't get to see Elizabeth Banks' tits.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Semi Serious Movie Review - Zach and Miri Make A Porno

Between two stools.

Poop jokes and nob gags are funny and let no one tell you otherwise. Kevin Smith has made a career of taking those poop and nob gags and showing them on the big screen to the delight of adolescents everywhere.

Students of the late 90's had Clerks posters on their walls, right next to The Godfather, and the one of the tennis player scratching her ass. And that’s where Kevin Smith seems to fit, between the artistic and the scatological.

His latest film, Zach and Miri makes a porno comes 15 years after Clerks debuted, and Smiths audience has grown up. We were all there with the corpse shagging of Clerks, the Finger cuffs of Chasing Amy, and we all tolerated Ben Affleck in Mallrats. But then we passed the gross out baton onto the kids, who lapped up American Pie and, well American Pie 2. We moved onto the weirder Zoolander, and briefly South Park, before Judd Apatow came into our lives.

The Apatow era, as this period will undoubtedly be known, is the logical progression from Smiths work of the late 90's. The characters in these movies (nearly 15 films over the last 2 years) often start out as characters from a Kevin Smith movie, but end up more grown up than Smith’s characters ever did.

So what of the Kevin Smith film in the Apatow era? Well Zach and Miri Make a Porno is one of those sold three star films. It's okay. It’s not brilliant, but I didn't regret watching it. The synopsis is there in the title. Seth Rogen and Elizabeth banks play the titular Zach and Miri, who, when finding themselves skint and without electricity, water or heating, decide to make a porno movie to raise some cash. And during the making of this skin flick, they realise their true feelings for each other.

But this feels like Kevin Smith, half way there. There are some really touching scenes, and some excellent performances (especially by Banks), but ever present are the nob and poop gags, which feel out of place in this story. It’s like having an interesting adult conversation with someone, who then asks you to pull their finger. The 'laughs' jar, and Smith hasn’t worked out (as Apatow did with Knocked Up) how to tone the scatological humour along with a truthful and resonant story.

Although Smith deals with some of the dramatic scenes well, it sometimes comes across as mawkish, and often right on the nose. Smith seems to revert to nob-gag type all too often, which now seems out of context within this new ‘grown up’ style of filmmaking. Nearly there, Kev.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


Over at Amazon, everyone is eagerly awaiting the new Hasslehoff album, and some lucky reviewers have managed to get a sneak preview. If you are a fan of the Hoff - why not go over and leave a review of your own?

Below is an example:

We all love Hassehorve. And he loves us all back., May 31, 2005
Almas Paradies "We're knocking on heaven's door" - See all my reviewsHow Germanic, how Teutonic, how Aryan it is to rock out so hard. David Hassehorve leaves behind a brilliant acting career to "super pursue" his place in rock history. He hires all the key grips and crewmen from the set of Baywatch and transforms them into musicians, producers and even backup singers for his debut offering. After a few listens, you can tell it's an electrician backup-yelping behind David in "Crazy For You." Only a boom mike operator can play an electric guitar solo that badly. And surely a junior caterer was behind the mixing board. The general effect is one of controlled chaos. David rules over this motley crew of unlikely rock gods, sitting on his magnificent throne like Zeus with a perm. When inspiration strikes, he rears his oversized head back and screeches like a baboon stuck in a car door, turning every listener giddy and flatulent. The song "Hot Shot City" is particularly good.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


As we sit in our offices, with our heating and air conditioning, drinking clean water from the cooler, or making a steaming hot cup of coffee, we find ourselves taking wristbands for granted. Many of us have two or three wristbands for ‘Make poverty History’ or perhaps you’re lucky enough to get one of those cyclist guys’ wristbands. With so many wristbands on the streets these days, it’s easy to assume that there are enough wristbands to go round.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

The horrible fact that we fail to notice is that over 60% of the nations good causes go completely without an assigned wristband. For every National Autism Association’s blue wristband campaign there are literally hundreds of good causes that are left totally wristbandless. I’m talking about the Association for the Children of Pirates (ACP), The Jellyfish Awareness Campaign, or Elect Midgets Now! All of these causes, and several more are left completely wristbandless. Some don’t even have a slogan.

That’s why we need your help.

For just £5 a month, or whatever you can afford, we could supply causes like ‘Lets Put A Stop To Tofu’ a wristband. A really good wristband. A wristband that works. Like maybe a blue one with a red stripe.

Please email your bank details along with your name and address to and pledge whatever you can. In return, we’ll send you one of our unique ‘Make Wristband Shortage History’ wristbands.

With your help, we can give these causes the wristbands they deserve. Once we do that we are halfway to finding a cure. Unless it’s not a cause about a disease, or it's one for an incurable disease; in which case we’ll be halfway to raising lots of awareness, or something.

Please give generously.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Spot the Hero at the Feminists Rally

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Crappy Parents against Maddox

I thought this was a joke, until I looked further into it, but it seems to be real.

If you haven't seen it before, you need to check out Maddox's website It's a brilliantly satirical, but ultimately honest collection of one mans musings on the world. He gets loads of traffic, because he really does kick ass.

Now theres an organisation called Mothers Against Maddox, who are out to have the site banned. One 'mother' (I'm going to use this term loosely with her) gave this as the reason...

I discovered his website when I found my oldest son, age 14
looking through a
page on his site that
promoted suicide. I was shocked to find out that my son had been going to this
site on a constant basis. Ever since my son started going to Maddox's website, I
noticed an increase in his hatred towards certain groups of people and his
negative attitude towards life.

Maddox has been so kind as to mirror their crappy website here:

So, from this we can deduce that Beth Robbins, the 'mother' has such bad parenting skills that a badly formatted web page offers her son more advice on how to deal with the world than she does. Maybe if she spent less time trying to piss on the constitution by protesting about free speech, and actually spent some time with her kid, we'd end up with less fucked up shits running around happy slapping pensioners.

NEWSFLASH - If your Kid grows up to be a shit, it's your fault as the parent. Full stop. I honestly can't find anything else to blame. If you are such a bad parent that you can't teach your kid that moral authority doesn't come from a webpage, then, I'm sorry, your kid needs to go live with someone else. There are loads of people out there looking for kids to adopt, lets give these people a chance as you've obviously fucked it up.

To this end, I thought that I would start a petition : People pissed off with whiney little shit kids against bad mothers. Starting with Beth Robbins. If you think that Beth Robbins should give her child up to someone that can teach a child that there are other places to form your opinions other than a website - please reply below.


Wednesday, February 02, 2005

"Why Choose Continue" Snake Wonders

Solid Snake, tactical-espionage expert and star of PlayStation's "Metal Gear Solid," questioned the nature of the universe today when, moments after his 11th death in two hours, a cruel God forced him to "Continue" his earthly toil and suffering.

"Is this all there is?" asked Snake, hiding in a storage locker while two masked guards searched for him in the hold of a cargo ship. "Is this why I was created? To suffer? Will I ever escape this endless loop of grueling labor followed by violent death?"
Snake was then discovered by the guards and cut down in a hail of gunfire.
Snake, who has been fatally shot 2,143 times in the past six months, said he does not know why God deems it necessary for him to endlessly repeat his mission, which involves sneaking aboard a hijacked military ship and discovering who stole the walking nuclear-equipped battle tank known as Metal Gear Ray.
"Why will the Lord not grant me my final rest?" asked a reincarnated Snake, crawling underneath a lifeboat on the ship's weather deck. "Certainly there must be a greater purpose for me than to kill dozens and eventually be killed myself."
Added Snake: "As Goethe said, 'Man must strive, and in striving he must err.'"
Pitching himself over the ship's railing to avoid a trio of patrol guards, Snake pondered the notion of self-determination, wondering aloud whether he had any control over his own destiny. Before he could draw any conclusions, however, he lost his grip, falling into the sea and drowning.
"The Koran asks, 'Shall not the Lord of all the Earth do right?'" said Snake, rematerializing under the lifeboat. "But scholars have often argued whether the question is an assertion of belief or a refutation of faith in absolute goodness on the part of the Creator. As for myself, all I know is, I'm tired of the constant pain, death, and destruction."
Snake was then shot in the head by an undetected guard, falling into a pool of his own blood before reappearing in the ship's afterdeck, where his mission began.

"I often wonder, as many video-game characters do, whether God forces me to Continue to punish me for my sins," Snake said. "After all, I've deserted the American military, killed hundreds of guards, and betrayed my would-be lover, Meryl Silverburgh, by submitting to torture in the alternate ending to the first installment of 'Metal Gear Solid.' But sometimes, like when I suicidally attack dozens of armed guards with only my bare hands, it seems that God is putting me through hell merely to amuse Himself. It just doesn't make sense."
According to Rev. Paul Flessing of Yale University's Divinity School, Snake's theosophical quandary is far from uncommon.
"We all wrestle with the Big Questions about the will of God and one's place in Creation," Flessing said. "But the important thing is to have faith and try to find meaning in one's life–or lives, as the case may be. We must remember the trials of Job, whose faith God continually tested. It seems Snake is going through something very much like that, with this constant pattern of 'Continues.' The purpose will become clear to him in the end."
Sidling along a companionway toward the ship's lounge, Snake considered his ultimate fate.
"What awaits me at the end of my lives' journeys?" Snake asked. "Is there a Paradise on the other side? Or will it all end in a full-motion video sequence that hints at a forthcoming sequel?"
The hallway then filled with nerve gas, fatally asphyxiating Snake.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Call me Wolf - insists 60 year old Michael.

More than eight years after his last appearance on the ITV television programme Gladiators, Michael "Wolf" Van Myjk continues to insist that friends refer to him by his on-air name. "Please," Van Myjk told acquaintance Lynn Crane at a dinner party Monday. "Call me Wolf." In recent years, Van Wjyk has bought a "WOLF69" number plate for his Ford Mondeo, , and attempted to make restaurant reservations under the name "Wolfman." Still garbed in the all dayglo lycra body suit, Van Wyjk was last spotted shouting at a cashier at Sainsbury's in Sutton, after his signature didn't match his cheque.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

The Voysey Inheritance

To the blogspere at large! In my secret life as a theatre director, I have finally managed to persuade 12 young actors to let me direct them in the first play at the Bridewell theatre!! Anyone in the area at the time, please do pop in and have a look - its all for charity in the end!!

For info, check out

The Voysey Inheritance

Dates: Preview 7.30 22nd February Run 7.30 23rd-26th February Matinee 3.00 26th February

Venue: The Bridewell Theatre, Bride Lane, (off Fleet Street) London

The Play: Misappropriation of client funds..... fraudulent speculation on the Stock Market.... deceit...lies ...and an intricate cover up. Sounds familiar? This could well be the ingredients of a recent City or Wall Street corporate corruption. However, written and first performed in 1905 "The Voysey Inheritance " fittingly kicks off the Sedos Centenary Year. Old fashioned in its setting, the tale of the Voyseys is bang up to date in the ethical conundrum it poses. When young Edward Voysey discovers that the family's wealth has been built on three generations of deceit and theft he must choose between confessing all and ruining the clients that have innocently trusted the firm, or continuing the deceit in the hope of righting the wrongs that the firm's clients have unwittingly been subjected to. So the scene is set for an intriguing examination of ethics - and their absence - in the world of high finance. Written the same year SEDOS was formed, the themes and issues raised are as relevant today as they were 100 years ago.

The Author: Harley Granville Barker; actor and playwright is heralded as one of the most important influences on the Golden Age of theatre (1880-1920). He produced and acted in ground breaking productions of Shakespeare as well as definitive productions of the plays of his friend and mentor George Bernard Shaw. The Voysey Inheritance is his most successful play and seen as one of the great 'progressive' works of the era. Its relevance is still felt today.

Tickets: £12.50 (£8.50 concessions and SEDOS members) £10 Preview

Box Office: or call 07956 932 357

Robert Knapp "Most hated Kid in School" report finds.

The entire year six class, everyone from Ashley Amberson to James Zoellner, hates Robert Knapp, sources at Whitchurch County Primary School revealed Tuesday.

"The popular kids, the nerds, even the disgusting one with the snotty nose and the lisp—they all hate that little sh*t," Social Worker Lisa Harcourt told reporters Tuesday. "The consensus? Robert Knapp is a child dumbass."

Knapp, who runs really slow, is rubbish at football, and forgets his schoolwork at home practically every other day, has been despised for as long as anyone at the school can remember. Playground rumours are also that he has fleas.

"Last year, in Mrs. Swanson's class, Tim Ball was in the bathroom with Robert Knapp," student Paul Derrick said. "Well, Tim pushed Robert, and Robert’s hand went right into the toilet. But Robert didn't even take his hand out! He just kept it in there for, like, forever."

"He started crying, too," Derrick added.

Students forced to stand next to Knapp during school dinners will often leave a four-foot gap between themselves and Knapp in an effort to avoid association with the undesirable ten year old the report indicated. Similarly, no one wants to sit with Knapp on the bus, pick him for a playground football team, or collaborate with him in any class, for any reason, ever.
"I'm not going to share a xylaphone with Robert Knapp," Rebecca Sloyan said during music class Monday. "I'm not. I'll go to the nurse's office if [music teacher] Mrs. Cook tries to make me."
"At the Christmas Concert last year, I had to hold hands with Robert Knapp, so I pulled my sleeve all the way down, so I wouldn't have to touch him," said classmate Clare Evans, commiserating with Sloyan. "He didn't even sing. He just stood there breathing really heavy. And he had a cold sore on his lip that started bleeding, because he kept licking it. And he was wearing sandals, even though Mrs. Cook said 'no sandals.'"

Although Knapp is in year six, students in years four and five, who encounter him on the playground and during field trips also hate him.

"Remember the time Robert Knapp threw up when we went to Cirencester?" said Jen Welsby, of Mrs. Black’s class. "It was so gross. I hate him."
"I hate him, too," said classmate Kevin Clark, making a sour face.
"Me, too," added classmate James Drum.

Harcourt couldn't find one student who would admit to liking Knapp, who is also known as Robert Krapp, Robert Nappy, and Fleabag.
"Robert Knapp nose is always so full of snot that you can hardly understand what he's saying," Harcourt said. "He talks like this: 'Mmr mmr mmr. I'm Robert Knapp.'" .

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