Friday, March 13, 2009
Jobs in the Evil Sector
Number two position within Global Organisation
Location – West London, plus Subterranean travel
Salary - £60,000 plus generous commission structure.
Our client, a NATO recognised global super villain, is looking for an experienced number two for help with an ongoing project for world domination.
Based out of modern offices in the West End, this organisation has come close to achieving total domination of the worlds superpowers on several occasions, and is now looking for an inspiring and dedicated team leader to make that final push over the edge!
With extensive experience of carrying out needlessly complex plots involving either environmental, nuclear or death ray based evil plots, you will be a self starter, with a good attention to detail and a sense of humour. You will be comfortable dealing with high level strategy and ideally have a contact book full of willing henchmen. Must be CIPD qualified.
This is an excellent opportunity for a henchman team leader to gain that next step up the ladder to super villainy, or for an ambitious HR or IT director to make a sideways move into a more strategic role in the evil sector.
To apply, please send your cv, plus a covering letter detailing the last two plots you or your current organisation have been working on. If successful we shall send you an application pack, as well as our diversity questionnaire. cvs to be sent to ilovecress@gmail.com
Receptionist - start up position
Location – Island Volcano
Salary £14,000 plus free coffee.
This is a great opportunity to get in on the ground floor of an ambitious start up evil empire, and really make a difference to the direction of the organisation.
Working out of a hollowed out volcano inexplicably filled with exploding barrels, you will act as the front line to the organisation, meeting and greeting our visitors, booking rooms, and carrying out some light filing duties. As this is a fairly new company, you will also be responsible for managing the office, including a complete office redesign scheduled for later on this year.
This role would suit a graduate looking for a way into the evil sector, although experience of working in a similar sector (banking, telesales, Channel 4) would be an advantage.
To apply online, please click here: CLICK TO APPLY
Location – West London, plus Subterranean travel
Salary - £60,000 plus generous commission structure.
Our client, a NATO recognised global super villain, is looking for an experienced number two for help with an ongoing project for world domination.
Based out of modern offices in the West End, this organisation has come close to achieving total domination of the worlds superpowers on several occasions, and is now looking for an inspiring and dedicated team leader to make that final push over the edge!
With extensive experience of carrying out needlessly complex plots involving either environmental, nuclear or death ray based evil plots, you will be a self starter, with a good attention to detail and a sense of humour. You will be comfortable dealing with high level strategy and ideally have a contact book full of willing henchmen. Must be CIPD qualified.
This is an excellent opportunity for a henchman team leader to gain that next step up the ladder to super villainy, or for an ambitious HR or IT director to make a sideways move into a more strategic role in the evil sector.
To apply, please send your cv, plus a covering letter detailing the last two plots you or your current organisation have been working on. If successful we shall send you an application pack, as well as our diversity questionnaire. cvs to be sent to ilovecress@gmail.com
Receptionist - start up position
Location – Island Volcano
Salary £14,000 plus free coffee.
This is a great opportunity to get in on the ground floor of an ambitious start up evil empire, and really make a difference to the direction of the organisation.
Working out of a hollowed out volcano inexplicably filled with exploding barrels, you will act as the front line to the organisation, meeting and greeting our visitors, booking rooms, and carrying out some light filing duties. As this is a fairly new company, you will also be responsible for managing the office, including a complete office redesign scheduled for later on this year.
This role would suit a graduate looking for a way into the evil sector, although experience of working in a similar sector (banking, telesales, Channel 4) would be an advantage.
To apply online, please click here: CLICK TO APPLY
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Nigerian Billionaire ‘frustrated’ by UK cynicism.
Clement Okom, a Nigerian businessman has complained of ‘a saddening culture of cynicism’ in the UK, as his attempts to move money out of the country failed on Friday.
Mr Okom, a wealthy businessman, and member of the Nigerian Civil Service, was looking for a British bank account in which to transfer over $21,000,000 for a period of two months. He was willing to pay the intermediary 10% of the final fee. The reasons for the transaction are as yet unclear, but Mr Okon assured us it was “something to do with the military”.
However, Mr Okom has been surprised by the low response from UK residents in taking him up on his offer. After sending over 200 emails to carefully selected individuals, he received only one response, which turned out to be from an intoxicated student with a hotmail account.
“I AM NOT UNDERSTANDING” said Mr Okon, “ALL I AM WANTING TO DO IS THE CONFIDENT TRANSFER OF US$21,000,300 (TWENTY ONE MILLION AND THREE HUNDRED U.S. DOLLARS) INTO THE ACCOUNT OF A TRUSTED AND HONOURED FORIEGN COLLEAGUE.”
After the deadline for the transfer passed last Friday, Mr Okon has had to allow the sum to pass directly to the Nigerian military, with little to no record of what it will be spent on, leaving Mr Okon with only his large inheritance to pass on to a deserving UK charity.
Mr Okom, a wealthy businessman, and member of the Nigerian Civil Service, was looking for a British bank account in which to transfer over $21,000,000 for a period of two months. He was willing to pay the intermediary 10% of the final fee. The reasons for the transaction are as yet unclear, but Mr Okon assured us it was “something to do with the military”.
However, Mr Okom has been surprised by the low response from UK residents in taking him up on his offer. After sending over 200 emails to carefully selected individuals, he received only one response, which turned out to be from an intoxicated student with a hotmail account.
“I AM NOT UNDERSTANDING” said Mr Okon, “ALL I AM WANTING TO DO IS THE CONFIDENT TRANSFER OF US$21,000,300 (TWENTY ONE MILLION AND THREE HUNDRED U.S. DOLLARS) INTO THE ACCOUNT OF A TRUSTED AND HONOURED FORIEGN COLLEAGUE.”
After the deadline for the transfer passed last Friday, Mr Okon has had to allow the sum to pass directly to the Nigerian military, with little to no record of what it will be spent on, leaving Mr Okon with only his large inheritance to pass on to a deserving UK charity.
90% of searches for ‘Voodoo Love Spells’ end up at this blog.
Google have released an official statement declaring that they have “no idea” why fans of Voodoo Love Potions, and Viagra salesmen are failing to find the internet sites they require.
“You’d think that it should be easy”, said Brian Tractor, head of the voodoo Love Potion consortium based in Essex. “I spend nearly 6 hours online a day looking for information on Voodoo Love Potions, and nine times out of ten, I end up at some losers blog. I always leave a comment, just to be polite, but in truth, its not necessarily the information I am looking for.”
This was a problem shared by Kevin Sachs-Minelli, a Viagra Salesman from Cheshire. “As a Viagra salesman, searching the internet for people looking to buy my product should be an easy way to identify target markets. However, due to the negligence of Google, and other search engine providers, I often end up at someones blogger account.”
In some statistics released into the ether by Google, it emerged that 84% of comments on blogs were from people either trying to sell Viagra, or people looking for information on Voodoo Love potions, and while nearly always polite and courteous, served no purpose, other than to use up bandwidth.
No one at Google was available for comment.
“You’d think that it should be easy”, said Brian Tractor, head of the voodoo Love Potion consortium based in Essex. “I spend nearly 6 hours online a day looking for information on Voodoo Love Potions, and nine times out of ten, I end up at some losers blog. I always leave a comment, just to be polite, but in truth, its not necessarily the information I am looking for.”
This was a problem shared by Kevin Sachs-Minelli, a Viagra Salesman from Cheshire. “As a Viagra salesman, searching the internet for people looking to buy my product should be an easy way to identify target markets. However, due to the negligence of Google, and other search engine providers, I often end up at someones blogger account.”
In some statistics released into the ether by Google, it emerged that 84% of comments on blogs were from people either trying to sell Viagra, or people looking for information on Voodoo Love potions, and while nearly always polite and courteous, served no purpose, other than to use up bandwidth.
No one at Google was available for comment.
‘U’ taken off the endangered character list
Five years after the Government vowed to take the Letter ‘U’ off the endangered character list, the first crop of lower case ‘u’s are due to be released into the wild this April.
The delisting, which has been supported by environment minister Ben Bradshaw, represents an official recognition of the population boom of letter u’s in the United Kingdom since 1995, more than tripling in the last 15 years.
The letter U was added to the endangered character list in the early eighties, after more than three decades of decline. The fashion in the sixties of omitting the letter in favour of brevity was widely condemned at the time, most famously when Honor Blackman was attacked by pro-vowel protesters outside BBC Television Centre. Although a petition was sent to 10 Downing street, it wasn’t until 1982 that Margaret Thatcher bowed to public pressure, and added the letter ‘u’ to the list of officially endangered characters, along with Q, X and Pi.
This April, the first u’s to be born in captivity, will travel from Stonebridge Inner City Farm in Nottingham to Dorset, where they will be released into their natural habitat, and encouraged to breed with the indigenous population of wild u’s found in the area.
Plans to introduce the u’s to America have stalled.
The delisting, which has been supported by environment minister Ben Bradshaw, represents an official recognition of the population boom of letter u’s in the United Kingdom since 1995, more than tripling in the last 15 years.
The letter U was added to the endangered character list in the early eighties, after more than three decades of decline. The fashion in the sixties of omitting the letter in favour of brevity was widely condemned at the time, most famously when Honor Blackman was attacked by pro-vowel protesters outside BBC Television Centre. Although a petition was sent to 10 Downing street, it wasn’t until 1982 that Margaret Thatcher bowed to public pressure, and added the letter ‘u’ to the list of officially endangered characters, along with Q, X and Pi.
This April, the first u’s to be born in captivity, will travel from Stonebridge Inner City Farm in Nottingham to Dorset, where they will be released into their natural habitat, and encouraged to breed with the indigenous population of wild u’s found in the area.
Plans to introduce the u’s to America have stalled.
