Friday, July 31, 2009

Notes on the first draft of Lost Season 6

While poking around in the bins outside Carlton Cuse's mansion, I came across some ABC notes for one of the scripts, it looks like the first episode of the new series....












Thursday, July 02, 2009

The government can keep you safe from the heatwave zombie apocalypse

So you may have noticed that it is pretty hot today in London. And for those of you who may be overseas and haven’t heard how hot it is, let me tell you. It’s cocking hot. They tell me that it’s 33 degrees out there. And as I have no frame of reference for what 33 degrees even means, then I’m going to assume that it is hotter than Mexico here right now. Get that, hotter than mexico!

Anyway, this unexpected heat wave (seriously, who saw this weather coming in June?) has sent us all into a panic, so I decided to get some advice on how to survive the next couple of weeks until it rains, without letting London degenerate into a sort of desert zombie apocalypse. (Heatwaves turn people into zombies, right?)

The best place to get advice is obviously the Government. Without the government, how would we know how to do anything? So I logged onto the NHS Choice site.

First of all – the Met office have declared a level three heatwave alert. They have also called it Heatwave Red Alert, so I’m not sure how scared to be. The top of the page has a picture of Big Ben melting, so I guess it’s pretty serious. I decide to take off my coat.

High temperatures can be dangerous, especially for:
• the elderly,
• the very young, and
• people with chronic or long-term medical conditions, such as a heart condition or breathing problems.
This initially comes as a relief to me. I am definitely not elderly, and don’t think that I could be described as very young. And if you are going to be facing off hordes of zombies, you’d be hoping they’d be zombie grandmas, or zombie toddlers. The concerning part, however, is the bit about heart conditions or breathing problems. If these are the two groups to turn to zombiedom first, their disabilities won’t matter.

Note to self, remove the head of anyone with asthma.

Listen to alerts on the radio and TV about keeping cool.

Now I have watched daytime TV all day, and I haven’t seen any adverts about keeping cool. Perhaps they are confusing ‘keeping cool’ with ‘consolidating all your debts’ or ‘buying a stairlift’. Although I’m not sure how those will help.

Avoid unnecessary travel.

This one doesn’t seem to make sense, although I guess the government knows best. I would have though that if you are dying from the heat, then travelling somewhere with less heat would be a good idea., but I guess not. Sorry Grandma!.

I have decided to strap myself to the sofa, and barricade all the doors, so I physically cannot travel anywhere.

Stay inside and in the coolest room in your home as much as possible, and splash yourself with cool water.

It looks like my barricading myself indoors was a good idea, but perhaps I was too premature in the choosing of which room to barricade myself into. The living room is fairly warm, even with the window open, and the kitchen, although cool right now is going to heat up once I start cooking that delicious bacon. I think I shall lock myself in the damp closet under the stairs.

Keep rooms cool by using shade or reflective material external to the glass. If that's not possible have pale-coloured curtains, and close them. Metal blinds and dark curtains can make the room hotter.

Improvisation needed! Prefering the darker curtain to allow me to sleep at night for more than 2 hours, I have had to cover all the curtains in my house with tin foil to keep the zombie rays out.

Keep the windows closed while the room is cooler than it is outside. If it's safe, open the windows at night when the air is cooler than the room.

If it is safe? I suppose when the heatwave zombie epidemic is in full swing, the windows will be a valuable point of entry. I think I’ll just stay here in the cupboard under the stairs like a sweaty Harry Potter until this whole thing ends on Saturday.

My rejected 'Poems for the Underground'

My Journey Home

Hot so hot
As the sweaty pit of jubilee
Encowers my face
3 stops
That’s it
3 stops
And then the realisation
I paid for this.


The Lake District

It is the light
that
transforms the bracken
into shades
of heather, as
streaming clouds
rush through the dales
and weep weep
upon these lakes
until the
deadly robots crush
the skulls of us
and skynet
rules us all.


Dolphins.

Rape rape rape
Rape rape rape
Rape
Rape rape rape
Rape
Rape rape
Rape

Dolphins.

from Chasereviewseverything - my review of Moby Dick, the Musical.

Chase reviews - MOBY DICK THE MUSICAL - By GEOIDS

I have no idea what I have just seen. It was either the worst piece of theatre I have ever seen in my life, or a work of art so mindboggling in its genius that it deserves its place in history alongside Andy Kaufmann, Hunter S Thompson or the inventor of the spork. As such I can’t really be all that objective with this review, so what I am going to do is walk you through the experience, so you can judge for yourself.

7.00pm
I met up with Pip and Matt in the pub beforehand. We really have no idea what to expect, but Matt tells us that there are a lot of ‘dick’ jokes and a man dressed as a woman, who then plays a man.

7.25
Walking up to the theatre we see a lot of ‘naughty schoolgirl’ types hanging around outside. I think they are trying to improve lines a schoolchild might say, but it sort of sounds like my dad trying to sound street. Which is odd, because most of them actually are teenagers.

7.30
Bought my ticket and waiting to go in. The cast are in the foyer and interacting with the audience. And by interacting, I mean annoying. Some of the cast are boys dressed up as schoolgirls, which I’m sure is hilarious.

7.31
I’m pretty sure one of the cast is Victor Obogu in a blonde wig. There are no words.

7.35
Okay its starting. I think we have a flavour of what this is going to be. We are in a school assembly, and one of the teachers, played by a man in drag, is reading out some really unfunny notices.

7.36
My mistake, that is actually a woman.

7.40
The whole cast is onstage now, and there are about 60 of them. My favourite are the three old dears at the back, who look a bit scared. I know how they feel.

7.45
Okay, here comes the man dressed as the woman. He is playing the head mistress. You know Rupert Everett in drag, its kind of like that, except awful, and with more than a touch of the rapist about him.

7.47
Okay, I’m not sure what is going on, but I am going to take a guess and say that the school is going to put on a musical to raise some money. Victor Obogu agrees. I think he is standing next to someone from KISS.

7.49
Okay. Plot update. Someone in glasses has written Moby Dick the musical, which the girls at this school are going to rehearse and perform. The man dressed as a woman headteacher is going to play Ahab, which cleverly means it will be a man playing a woman playing a man. Oh God someone is running across the stage with some blue fabric, I think they are going to sing.

8.00
Yep. “It’s Moby Dick, Moby Dick the Musical..”. The old lady looks confused. Ahab has just been wheeled on in a shopping trolley, and he is wearing one cricket pad. Victor Obogu and the dude from Kiss have snuck under the blue sheet, but we can see their shadows being cast on the back wall. The words MOBY DICK are projected onto the back wall. For some reason, none of the cast have any trousers on.

8.10
Ishmael is in Nantucket now. I can tell because someone has projected ‘NANTUCKET’ on the back wall. Other than that I am a bit lost. Someone calls Ishmael ‘Fishmael’ and everyone gasps. I have no idea why.

8.15
Okay, they seem to be in some sort of bar or tavern, maybe Ishmael is looking for somewhere to sleep? There is a man spanking another man at the back, and a woman dressed up as a german SS officer watching everything. The bar seems to be owned by a large bald gay man with no trousers on. Someone calls her Fishmael again. All gasp.

8.20
Heres Ahab again. I think he’s returned from somewhere, because I think that other girl is meant to be his wife. She is wearing a wedding dress and screaming. Oh, now shes run off.

8.21
Ahab seems to be sad that his wife has run off (although he seems to think she’s died?) I can’t concentrate on the song though, because I can see right into the wings, and Ahabs wife is getting out of her costume, and I just saw some boob.

8.25
Back to Ishmael now, and the weird bar. The mane of the bar is projected on the back wall. She says shes going to go upstairs, and some ominous music sounds. Again, I have no idea why. WHY IS NO ONE WEARING ANY TROUSERS?

8.26
Ishmael is now upstairs and…..holy shit….what the f*ck is that projection? It looks like some sort of sentient toy doll looking sad, sitting in the corner of a large empty room. That is literally the freakiest thing I have ever seen.

8.27
Ishmael is talking to an African tribeswoman in her bedroom. I’m not sure what they are talking about, but they seem to be friends. The African Tribeswoman (who is a white girl in her 20’s) has a necklace made of bones and talks in a really bad Jamaican accent. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure this is racist in some way.

8.40
I have no idea what the last 10 minutes was about, but everyone is smiling a whole lot. Except Victor Obogu of course.

8.45
They are now in church I think, and about to sing some gospel. Hang on, nope, its not gospel. I think it was meant to be gospel, but again it’s pretty much just racist. Victor Obogu doesn’t seem to mind though. Three women in identical wedding dresses stand on stage right. And now they’ve walked off again.

8.46
I have just noticed one of the chaps has a squirrel sticking out the side of his head.

8.50
An Irish drinking song. Of course. Now the whole cast are singing and marching in time to the music. Somehting about America I think. Holy Shit, they are only flying in a 25 foot American Flag!

8.55
Interval. I am thinking about leaving and missing the second act, but I have a nagging suspicion that somehow this will all come together and make sense in the second act. I think I shall see it through, if only for the sake of Victor Obogu and his pal from KISS.

9.15
So the second act... On the way in, one of the cast members asks me if I have donated any money yet. I tell her I have, although I haven’t actually seen anyone collecting any money. We take our seats and it begins. I think they are on a ship. At no point have I heard mention of a whale. Everyone is still without trousers for some reason. They decide to party (the projection on the wall says it), which seems to involve 35 people doing a box step over and over again. Except the three old dears, who are waving their arms in the air. Someone throws 6 beach balls into the audience.

9.20 Aha! I think I just heard something about a whale. Ahab has come out and sung something about revenge and madness. In the dark. A woman in a blue dress waves at him from the top of the stairs, before running off. The projection on the back wall is of a sad face. It also has the word ‘madness’ written above it. The cast are just repeating the words ‘moby dick’ over and over again, so I assume they are trying to catch it. One girl in the cast shouts out “Cock!” at the top of her voice.

9.21
I was right, they are singing a song about how awesome whaling is. Projected onto the back wall are pictures of bloody whale carcasses. It is horrifically disturbing. Victor Obogu seems to really like whaling. Hang on, is that a picture of a whale CUT IN HALF? It is. The cast are singing in front of a 15 foot picture of half a whale.

9.30
Just when I thought I was following things….. so Ahab seems to be in Las Vegas now (it is projected on the back wall), singing a disco tune. One girl in a sailors outfit is dancing around him, and 4 people in red dresses are walking around the stage. One of the ladies just tripped over her dress, and her boob fell out. Victor Obogu and Mr Kiss pick up Ahab on their shoulders. The spotlight is in Victor and Mr Kiss face, so they squint. Ahab is singing, but he is out of the light now.

9.33
So, now this girl with no trousers is singing about something and holding up a gun. I’m not sure what it is she’s singing about, but the projection says ‘mutiny’. I can’t really tell what is going on, because the whole thing is in darkness. One guy at the back is in the light, but he just says “sacre Bleu!” and then leaves.

9.40
She’s still singing, but now the whole cast are on stage. I have just spotted an old man. I’m sure he’s not been there before. He seems to be beating someone up in the background.

9.42
Still singing. Everyone has left her alone. Sometimes she’s welsh.

9.43
She’s finished, so it looks like shes going to Ahabs cabin. The projection shows a picture of a kettle in a barge. Oh, hang on, shes singing again.

9.55
I seriously have no idea what is going on. A gay chap with an English accent has been singing about finding a little boy. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that the actor is a possible homosexual. Victor Obogu, the guy from Kiss and a Chinese man are dancing around. I think squirrel head guy might be a beat or so behind, but then again it could just be a mild seizure.

10.00
More racist dancing from the woman playing the savage. The three old dears have been given inflatable palm trees to hold. Oh shit! A woman has just fallen off the back of the stage!

10.01
Now they are singing about the woman falling off the back of the stage. I can her getting changed into rollerskates in the wings. Now someone has pushed her across the stage on the rollerskates. People clap.

10.05
They are all looking out at the audience and pointing. I think they are trying to say that they have finally seen Moby Dick, and that they are scared about it. Some cast members run into the auditorium with water pistols and squirt them at the audience. This seems to annoy people. Other cast members have mops, with which they hit audience members. Once they have done this, they all go back onto the stage. Lets see how they handle the appearance of a 50 foot whale on stage!!! I can’t wait!

10.08
Everyone on stage now has an umbrella. Still no trousers in sight.

10.10
Okay, so everyone with an umbrella has now chased Ahab off the stage. Except there isn’t enough room in the wings, so it takes about 2 minutes of embarrassed shuffling to get them all off.

10.11
Ishmael now comes onto stage, chased by cast members dragging a blue bedsheet (which has a crown embroidered on it.)

10.12
Okay, I think I know what happened. The Whale sunk the ship, and Ishmael washed up on a desert island, and a gay chap in the floppy hat rescues her. He kisses her, and she fights him off, but he isn’t taking no for an answer. As the gay chap rapes Ishmael, the company come to the front and bow.

10.13
Ahab has now changed back into drag, and is carrying a metal box. She is very pleased about it. She says the school has been saved, and its something to do with this metal box. The cast look very happy, except Victor Obogu, who is talking to the Chinese man at the back.

10.14
They all break into song and dance. Some of the cast come into the audience, and one girl gets an audience member to dance with her. I can see him considering if suicide would be a useful escape. It won’t.

10.16
It ends, and the audience shuffle out of the theatre unsure of exactly what just went on. It was kind of like being raped in the eyes by a jam doughnut. Kind of, but not exactly

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