ilovecress

7th January 2005


To whom it many concern,

I write to you in total exasperation, and to be honest, with little hope that you will resolve my complaint, send me a letter of apology, or indeed even give me a courtesy call.

3 Customer Services are, without a doubt, the most useless and incompetent helpline I have ever had the misfortune of contacting. The individuals who staff your helpline make promises that they have no intention of keeping, and they must think that the customers they deal with are complete idiots.

I cannot express in words my sheer level of annoyance and frustration at your company’s inability to resolve a simple situation. Needless to say, if I am writing to you, I am telling every one of my friends and work colleagues how utterly hopeless your company is. When I update all my contacts with my new work and business mobile number, I will also inform them how incompetent and inadequate your services are. Hopefully they will pass on this information to others who are considering taking up your services.

I am normally a very calm and rational man, but as you can tell from the tone of this letter, I have utterly lost my rag with your company, and I have no faith at all in your ability to provide any acceptable level of service.

I shall list the failures of your company in order. This could take some time…

My dissatisfaction began upon purchasing your phone – a Motorola A835 - and joining your network. The USB port on the phone would not work, so I could not connect the phone to my computer to make use of any of the mobile phone tools, preventing me from putting any music or images onto my phone. 3 Customer Services informed me that they would have to take the phone to be repaired, which would wipe all my phone numbers and text messages (which I could not back up, thanks to the fault). I decided I could not be bothered with this
Unfortunately, I was eventually forced to send the phone to be repaired on 18th August 2004 because the battery would no longer charge. Having bought the phone only 6 months previously, I assumed that it was a problem with the connection, not the actual battery or charger. So your people helpfully took the phone away, with the battery, wiped all my data from the phone, and sent it back to me. Without repairing it. It still would not charge.
Which is when I got in touch with your ‘Customer Services’, possibly the worst misnomer and oxymoron I have ever come across, as you will see. ‘It’s not your phone’, they said, ‘It’s your battery and charger’. ‘Then why did you take my phone?’ I asked. ‘To make sure it was your battery and charger’ came the reply. ‘Couldn’t you have taken my battery and charger?’ I responded. ‘No,’ came the reply, ‘We don’t deal with those.’ Hmm. ‘Well then, how are you going to fix the problem’, I asked. ‘Well, we’ll send you a replacement battery and charger.’ Only, they didn’t.
So two weeks later, I phone your polite, yet totally unhelpful staff. I hadn’t received my charger or battery, I informed them. Which meant I was still stuck with a mobile that had to be constantly plugged in to function, making it not very mobile at all. Oh, they said, it must have got lost in the post. Really, I replied, that’s strange, as I seem to be receiving all my other post. So they ‘promised’ to send another one straight away. At this point I didn’t know that the word ‘promise’ had entirely different connotations for your ‘helpline’ staff. And, unsurprisingly, it never arrived.
So two weeks after that, a phoned again. Still no charger or battery, I explained. Oh, we’re very sorry, they said. Which is funny, because they didn’t sound it. We PROMISE (and I could hear the capitals) to send it now. Indeed, they even called the depot to make sure it would be sent, whilst putting me on hold for 15 minutes. Great. At last, I would have a mobile mobile, I thought. But of course, I was mistaken. This was, after all, 3 that I was dealing with.
So two more weeks go by, before I call back, in exasperation, to inform them that I STILL don’t have my battery or charger. 1 failed attempt at a repair, and 3 failed attempts to send a simple item in the post meant I had not been mobile with my mobile for over 6 weeks. Oh, we’re sorry, honest, came the dull mantra, but we PROMISE to send it…’Stop,’ I interrupted, ‘I don’t want to play this game anymore. I don’t believe you are capable of a affixing a stamp to an envelope, let alone actually posting the battery/charger to me. I want this sorted now.’ I think I had been more than accommodating up to this point. They asked if I wouldn’t mind being put on hold for 2 minutes whilst they spoke to a supervisor. I assume the supervisor was on lunch or holiday, or something, because it took quarter of an hour for a solution to be found. And that solution was for ME to go out and buy a charger and battery. Yep, your customer service ethos is “Don’t bother doing anything – just make the customer do it themselves. But only after we’ve buggered them about for 2 months. It’s more fun that way” Hang on, I asked, who will pay for this. ‘Oh, we will,’ came the reply. ‘You promise?’ I asked. ‘Oh yes,’ came the reply, ‘we really do promise…’ Why didn’t I see this next bit coming?
So, I buy the battery and charger from a 3 shop, who tell me that 3 retail is separate from 3 customer service, so I’ll have to fork out £50 for a battery and charger. Hang on, I said, I’d better clear this with your muppets on your nohelpline. So I duly phone your comedians, who put me through to finance, who do indeed promise to credit my account with the £50. ‘Now you’re not messing me around are you?’ ‘No, of course not, sir, we wouldn’t do that. We promise.’ But of course, they were lying.
So, I get back home, only to find that the battery and charger don’t work. Of course not. Why would they? So I had them checked at another mobile shop, along with my old battery and charger, just in case…and imagine my surprise when they all worked. There had never been a fault with the battery and charger – it had been the connection on the phone all along. All along. So your repair staff hadn’t even bothered checking the problem for which the phone had been sent to them. Brilliant.
So I phone your useless staff on your useless helpline. ’Oh, we’re so very sorry.’ Don’t be sorry, I said, just sort out this god-damn phone. I don’t want it or your service anymore. ‘Sorry sir, but your contract means you’re stuck with our [useless, pathetic, incompetent] service for 12 months’. He actually sounded smug. ‘But what we can do is repair your phone for you’. ‘What,’ I exclaimed, ‘like last time?’ ‘Oh no sir, we’ll actually do it this time. We promisssss’. And yes, it did sound like the hiss of a fork-tongued snake. ‘And give me my £50!’ I added.
So again, you take away my phone to be wiped of all the useful information, before sending it back to me with exactly the same fault! ‘What are you playing at?’ I yell, ‘Can’t you do anything except wipe my phone?!’ The predictable reply came: ‘Oh, we’re sssoo sssoorry, sssirr, but we promissss to repair it thisss time.’ Lies, all lies! I don’t believe a word you say. You failed twice to repair the problem, failed to send a battery/charger three times, and left me without a working phone for almost two months, and you STILL want me to play this little game of yours? No god-damn way. You send me a new phone right now, dammit! Or words to that effect. And sort out my bill! You still haven’t credited my account with the £50!
So after much persuasion, you send me a nice little phone, which I can take outside and everything, which is just as well, as your network refuses to cover my house. Which is next to Canary Wharf. Which you might want to cover in your network, what with it being a business hub of London, and all. Except the next bill comes, and you still haven’t credited my account. Is it too much to ask, that after I go out of my way to buy the battery & charger and remedy the problem that is beyond the abilities of your company, that you actually give me the money I was promised? You’ve had two months to sort it, for crying out loud. How hard can it be to type in the numbers 5 and 0 and press the button ‘Add’. It’s not rocket science! ‘Oh, we’re soo sorry sir. We promissss to…’ Yeah, yeah, whatever. Put me through to the people who ACTUALLY deal with this, because I don’t think you even work for 3! So your accounts department apologizes profusely, and promises to sort it out. But of course, they don’t. Because November’s bill arrives, and it still doesn’t show my £50 credit.
So I phone up, and speak to useless muppet #17, and explain that I have cancelled my direct debit, because you have failed for the third month running to credit my account with the £50, and since you owe me more than I owe you, that shouldn’t be a problem should it? Now sort it out! And this is what I was told: ‘We’re sorry, but I assure you that we will sort it out this time. And we totally understand why you don’t want to pay the bill. We will sort this, and we’re sorry for messing you around so much.’ ‘Well,’ I say, ‘can you write that down now in your log that you’re saying it’s ok for me not to pay, because I’m not giving you any more money for a service you’re not providing. So you’re not going to disconnect my phone or anything, right?’ ‘Of course,’ came the reply, ‘we wouldn’t do that, because 3 is in the wrong. So I am now writing down what you have said, and that it’s acceptable for you not to pay this bill until we have credited the £50 onto your account… which I promise I will sort out personally…’ Oh, déjà vu. Only it wasn’t sorted. And he didn’t write down what I’d said. And how do I know this? Well, because…
YOU CUT ME OFF! I can’t believe that your company actually had the audacity to bar my phone! YOU owe ME money, and you bar my phone for non-payment of a bill you said I didn’t have to PAY! Are you utterly MAD?? I was livid!

So I phone your help-lie, and take part in another episode of the Muppet Show, (sponsored by 3). I tell them to reconnect me now, and it takes over half an hour to sort it out. More apologies. Although I didn’t believe them. More promises. And I didn’t believe them either, despite them coming from the most senior supervisor there. They said it was obviously 3’s fault, and that they would remedy the situation, and reconnect me immediately, but it would take 24 hours to go through the system. And they would phone me back personally with an update, we promissss. Oh, did I mention that most of your staff promised to phone me with the outcome of each complaint/problem I had? No? Well they did promise. And in line with your company policy on promises, none of them actually fulfilled them. No-one called me. All I got was texts telling me to pay my bill. So, unsurprisingly, this manager didn’t call.
And obviously, you didn’t reconnect me. One last go. I gave it one last go. But your tack had changed. ‘I know we promised you all these things, sir, but frankly, we’re a bunch of good for nothing liars, and unless you cough up the cash for November, we’re not reconnecting you.’ WHAT? WHAT THE F@*K? You want me to pay you money, despite the fact it is you who owe me money?? You’re having a goddamn laugh! ‘Oh no sir, you also owe us for December.’ What? You haven’t even sent me a bill for December, and you want the money for it? What kind of blood sucking company are you running here? Reconnect me, you incompetent fool, like you promised! And give me my £50 back like you promised to me 4 months ago, and then, and only then, will I pay the bill for the totally useless service that your company has allegedly provided. ‘No sir, we won’t reconnect you until you settle November and December…’ I hung up. No more will I take part in your muppet show.
I got home to find December’s bill on my doorstep. With no £50 credit. So that’s the fourth month in a row that you’ve failed to do a simple task. 4 months. Not to mention the months where you couldn’t even fix the phone or send a battery through the post. Or phone me to explain why you’re so incompetent. And then you disconnect me. Well, no more games. I don’t believe you will put the credit on January’s bill, and since I would be cancelling my contract with your useless company in February, there is no doubt in my mind that I would never see my money. Which I think was your plan all along.

So here’s what will happen now. I will not pay you a penny. You have breached the contract in so many ways, that I am duly entitled to repudiate the contract. You are also liable for those breaches, and your liability far exceeds and money I might owe you for phone calls, especially when you take into account the £50 you owe me.
And until you make a reasonable offer of settlement for your breach of the terms of our contract, I will be holding onto the nice new phone you sent me.

Oh, and I shall now go off to one of your competitors and give them my money instead. And I shall be forwarding this email to all my contacts, just in case they ever consider taking up a contract with your company.

No regards whatsoever,

Tom Brennan